As the holidays are fast approaching, this can oftentimes be a reminder of loss. Loss is not only limited to a loved one’s passing but can also include the loss of a romantic relationship, friendship, or anything we may view as a loss. It is important to prepare ourselves for this time, as we can be blindsided by unexpected feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, resentment, and whatever other feeling may come up. It is important to allow ourselves to feel our feelings and to process them. There are many emotions that are not pleasant, but we are meant to feel them. Experiencing emotions tells us we are alive, that we are present, and that we can recognize things going on around us.
So why do the Holidays make grief seem louder? Holidays are built on tradition, and tradition is built on who is in the room. Every recipe, song, and seat at the table carries a memory, so the absence shows up in the small details. The first holiday season after a loss is often the hardest, but grief can resurface years later, sometimes on a day you thought you were fine. That doesn’t mean you’re going backward. It means the person or the relationship mattered.
You don’t have to do everything the way it has always been done. Before the season gets busy, ask yourself which traditions feel comforting and which feel like too much this year. Some people keep every tradition and find it helps. Others change the location, skip the big gathering, or start something new. Neither is wrong. Telling the people you’re celebrating with your plan ahead of time means you won’t be negotiating it in the moment.
Giving yourself breaks matters too. The Dual Process Model, a widely used framework in bereavement research, treats grief as something that moves back and forth rather than in a straight line. That means facing the loss at times and getting on with life at others, whether that’s resting, catching up with people, or having some fun. The model builds in time off from grief as a normal part of coping. Laughing at dinner doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten them.
It’s important to make room for the person you are missing. Avoiding their name rarely makes the feeling go away. You might light a candle, make their favorite dish, share a story at dinner, or set aside a few quiet minutes for yourself. A 2023 review of 79 studies found that staying connected to the person you lost can bring comfort for some people and distress for others, so pay attention to what feels right for you. If the loss is a relationship that ended, it might mean acknowledging what you hoped this season would look like. Grief over a breakup or a lost friendship is real grief, even if no one sends a card.
What about that sense of dread we may feel when someone asks, “how are you doing?” It helps to have an answer ready. If you want to share, you could say, “It’s a tough season for me, but I appreciate you asking.” If you don’t, try, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Can we talk about something else?” You’re allowed to be honest, and you’re allowed to keep it short.
Sadness around the holidays is normal, and most people who lose someone adjust without a lasting problem, however, it is possible to experience grief intensely for a prolonged period, which may impact us heavily. Consider talking to a therapist or someone you trust if the heaviness lasts most of the day for weeks, if your sleep or appetite changes significantly, if you’re pulling away from everyone, or if you feel hopeless. You don’t have to wait until things feel unbearable to ask for help.
Grief doesn’t follow the calendar, and the holidays don’t ask for permission. Planning, giving yourself room to feel what comes up, and letting people support you can make the season easier to get through.